Every day is Fathers day

When I lost my dad at 10, I was stripped of a normal childhood, and was catapulted into the world of adults. I lost my father all over again - my father of 10 years, a father who came into my life with a smile on his face - that reflected the tenderness on his face and the compassion in his eyes. Since I was a "to-be-shipped-to-US-instantaneously" bride, I didn't have the fortune of spending time with him to understand what revolved in his simple life. I did however have couple of occasions when he visited us, as several parents do when they are graduated to a role of doting grandparents. In those months, that we spent together I was amazed at this gentle soul. He would rarely talk, since he was suffering from acute hearing loss. But I had developed a "charades" way of communication, that could convey our affection for each other. He would be the first to spot the lines of migraine on my forehead, or to note my skipping a meal. Someone up there, taking pity on me had given me a father figure - but decided that 10 years of fatherly affection was enough. How can I explain to the guy pulling the shots that its never enough ?
Everyone says I should count my blessing, be happy for what I had - yes in a way it is true - atleast the longing I always had in my heart to be loved and cherished by a dad came through.

Adieu Appa - I hope you and my appaji get together, and continue to bless us.

Wicked Mouth

I dont know why I do it? I dont know how it all starts. Well I guess if I knew that I wouldnt be here. I cannot pinpoint the exact day or year for that matter when sarcasm started flowing from my tongue, or when I started seeing red ! It must have been a gradual phenomenon, because here I am on the verge of turning... 3. (lets just say I am old, and not getting younger), and am not getting any better at controlling my anger and my caustic tongue. It has got me into very tricky situations, and I think I am the worst affected in the situation. But like a wise man once said - words once uttered cannot be taken back. I know there will be others out there, like me who get these uncontrollable urges of temper..and I wish someone would turn off my switch or even put a mute button on me !!!
I would like to think that I have mellowed (slightly) over the years, but hey there is no measuring tape for taking stock of ones tantrum levels...so I can only hope & pray that I stop this tirade before it gets the better of the people I love.
Hope to write about happier occassions in future...

Scaredy Cat !!!

I cannot imagine how incredibly lazy I have been. Truly I cannot blame all my inactivity just on my laziness, to be fair I have been busy as well. Anyway now that I have hopped back on the wagon, Let me acknowledge yet another thing. It seems that I have lost all sense of adventure. Yes its true, today my brother,mother,sis-inlaw and hubby can vouch for that. So this is what happened -
We went for a vacation to Mahabaleshwar, which is around 2 hours drive from Pune. This was to be our dose of relaxation, before me taking on a new job. My mom and sis were excited about para-sailing, the younger kids about the horses & camels, my almost 8 year old about the sight seeing points, and me...well mostly I was still in the worry zone. Whats to worry about ?.. several if you are the worry-wart types !
What if we drive off the winding roads ?
What if we get lost ?
What if my inlaws hate the place ?
What if the kids fall sick ?
What if the horses run off with us on their backs ?
What if we all fall into the water fall ?
What if the railing around the sunset/sunrise point breaks...
ahem...I think you are beginning to get the picture ? Well to be honest I did not give para sailing a thought, after all a nutcase such as me, wouldnt try a daredevil act would she ? Thats where I was wrong. My sis managed to woo me into it, and before I knew it I had jumped off the cliff with butterflies (no let me modify that huge leaping frogs) in my stomach. My thoughts were..oh my gosh, I have not drafted a will, my husband doesnt even know all the investments that I have made (not that many mind u !). Anyway after a few minutes of floating in the sky, when I was holding on to my sail with a death grip, the pilot decided to take pity on me, and asked if we should land. Whew..I think I started breathing again with those magic words. My flight down was quite uneventful, though I did have some morose thoughts of getting caught in trees ! (Yes - I agree I have watched too many movies, No I do not plan to give up on that habit)
So if I have not made it very clear with my ramblings - what I am trying to say is that I am not the same as what I used to be before the mommy era..Really I have done quite a few wild things. To quote a few -
Jumping walls, Climbing trees, Sitting on the train compartment entrance (while the train was merrily chugging away) & my favorite one of all times - White water Rafting !!! (being a non-swimmer at that !)
Hence I blame this attack of nerves purely on the "Mom" gene in me, which once has got activated, refuses to turn itself off. Hope some of the mothers out there agree with me ?

Love till we say " I do !"

This might come across as disheartening for all those youngsters who are on the verge of taking a leap, or who have just done so and are living on a cloud. So I want to declare that these are my feelings and those of my friends. I am in no way qualified to pass judgement on marriages be it - love or arranged.
When I was a teenager full of romantic notions, thanks to the M&B's who glorify romance or the movies where the characters have a picture perfect wedding ! Hey hold on...dont most books and movies stop with the wedding ? Well let me point this out - the struggle to get to the wedding is nothing compared to the struggle that you have to undergo post wedding ! I am completing 10 years of marriage this year, hence I owe it to myself to dissect the journey a bit.
I started with preconcieved notions:
Love marriage rocks ...Arranged Marriage sucks !
Love marriage is sooooo cool..Arranged is boring !!!
If its a love marriage..ofcourse it should work beautifully !!!!
Ahem...seriously guys scrap out the above listed notions. It doesnt work like that. Marriage is a lot of work either way, its about matching your system clock to your spouse's - yet at the same time trying to click on your own.It truly is about being open to accept new set of relations, trying to forget that you may ideally have not chosen them to be in your best buddy list. Its also a test of your diplomatic abilities, and ofcourse patience. For example, we dont realise how our daily routine/habits might rub another person in the wrong way. But its true - right from the time each of us get up in the morning, to the way we eat, and go to bed can be aggravating to someone else ! Unfortunately courting period - love or arranged does not train us for this. This has to be experienced ! Actually even though a"live in" relationship is too forward for my conservative mind - I can see the logic behind it. Its in a way a trial period, a pre-marriage pact that is definitely easier to back out of, if things dont work as planned.
So my conclusion after 10 years of hard work ? Lets just say that I have more work cut out for me, and I have just completed Phase-1. But I should say that work though not always enjoyable does lead to nice rewards. The key is in believing in yourself.

Star Gazing

Nope, I am not referring to the ones in the sky, I mean the ones who dazzle our world by their sheer presence. The movie stars ! My affiliation or blind puppy love started when I was a toddler. According to my mom I used to bore all the people unfortunate enough to drop into our place, with renditions of the latest chart busters from All India Radio. Very soon I had some dance steps to go with the audio. When that didnt cut it, I would start reciting all the cliched, heroic dialogues. Ofcourse this did help me develop my mimicry/monoacting acumen. At the age 10, like rest of India, I was madly in love with AB. So much so that I remember watching Namak Halal in Iraq, when some of the buildings around us were getting bombed ! As far as I was concerned that just added to the drama, and I was sure that Big B would come dashing to my rescue. Ofcourse what happened in reality was that I got a sound spanking from my dad, and was rushed to the underground bomb shelter,

You would think, that after a couple of decades I would have somewhat matured in the matters of "screen hero worship" ? Well not really, only my object of affection has shifted- none other than SRK. How could anyone who says - "Senorita, badi badi deshon me....." not be instantly lovable ? But folks - love comes at a price, I was and am still often mocked at by my brother,friends and at times by my kids. But the bonds of love are so strong - that I am able to take all the guffaws in my stride, and enjoy all the tit bits of SRK's life that is thrown at the public.

It's amazing how good movies can transport you into their story and characters, and allow you to shed all your worries, and live your fantasy. Somehow this medium has become very important to me, since it rejuvenates me, leaves me feeling sad/happy, and amazingly takes me away from the chakras of my own mundane life.If books are a man's best friend, I would call movies a man's key to fantasy !!!

Belief ...

When I was a kid, it was so easy to believe in God and the general concept of good triumphing over evil. Choices were truly straightforward, and belief was taught by parents and accepted graciously by us children. I knew of only black and white,grey was not a shade in my dictionary. I am really saddened to realise that its not the case now. I often find myself questioning the existence of a supreme being ? I desparately want to believe that all our Gods are watching over us, that Ganesha - the elephant god and my childhood favorite is looking out for us, and will be with us in our good and bad times. But what I do with these infinite questions that run havoc in my mind ? I try my best to reason out all the unfortunate and disasterous events that happen to the most wonderful people, and draw a blank.What is the explanation for a catastrophe that claims so many lives ? One by nature can still be scientifically explained, but what about one that is caused by fellow humans ? When we say God lives in each of us, why is it that in reality Satan appears to live in most of us ?
Each of us find our answers via different mediums - some by meditation, some by introspection, and others by acceptance and strong faith. While I am struggling with my faith, I admire those who have their paths defined. My quest for finding these answers I am sure will continue, with the hope that I do not lose myself along the way.

Mindset

A decade back when this question - "Do you want to go abroad" meaning "Dont you want to get married to a US visa holder/NRI" was asked to me, I used to fly off the handle. I mean how dare anyone insult my indian core ?! That was an atrocious thought ! I would rather die, than end up doing anything so sacrilegious !!! But guess who had the last laugh ? Yup my cards/stars or whatever you choose to call, saw me married off to a guy working in the US, and zoom...I was shipped off just a few days after the wedding.
Needless to say I arrived at the Columbus,OHIO airport with a whole bunch of prejudice, expecting a scene from the "Bold & the Beautiful" to be enacted right in front of me. I can admit it now, that I was a little disappointed when that didnt happen :) what was in store for me was the "toned down, down-to-earth american experience" of a move. My husband, for some absurdly romantic reason (thats what he claims it was !) had thought that I would like to help him move from his old roach-struck studio apartment into this 1-bedroom apartment that he had chosen for us. Now, whatever my impressions of the "westernized world" were, they did not include fighting cockroaches ! I couldnt in my wildest dreams fathom that the mighty US would have the same irritating, immortal creepy crawly creatures ! That my friends was my first mis-conception. As the days went by, and I started meeting people - indian and otherwise I had to rip the curtain of prejudice from my eyes, and realize that people are the same everywhere - with their share of joys,disappointments,expectations,belief and even religion. Infact sometimes being away from one's country, makes you bond closer with your countrymen and forget the caste/language/religion - that are otherwise major dividing factors here in India.
Now I am back after completing my stint abroad, and I am thankful for the exposure that this oppurtunity provided me. I am not sure if I am wiser or a better person because of these years I have been away, but I will think twice before condemning a place/city/country just because its new to me.